The Addictive Cycle

For many addicted persons, trying to manage their addiction on their own leaves them stuck between a rock and a hard place. There are two powerful and polarizing forces at work in the life of an addicted person that leads them into a cycle of unmanageable acting out behavior. On one side is the chaotic acting out that numbs and soothes the deeply painful emotions inside. On the other is a deep sense of shame, regret, and aversion that inflicts significant emotional harm, often because of the acting out itself. This creates an ironic tension: the addicted person both loves and hates their acting out behavior. It soothes and creates more pain at the same time. They feel shame about their acting out behavior, but the acting out also gives them temporary reprieve from that deep sense of shame.

“The addicted person both loves and hates their acting out behavior. ”

As counselors and certified sex addiction therapists, we see first-hand the pain this cycle causes, both internally and externally. We work with individuals who cannot escape a deep belief in their unworthiness for love. We work with partners who see their loved one continue to spiral downwards, unable to help themselves recover. Without loving consultation and intervention, this cycle can break a person emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. But with loving consultation, this cycle can be interrupted. How this happens might look different for each individual, but there are common themes.

Increased Tolerance for Negative Emotion

Many addicted persons act out as a way of avoiding negative emotions. While everyone has fleeting negative thoughts and experiences, the addicted person has a deep well of negativity to pull from. This could be the result of traumatic experiences growing up, attachment wounds, or deeply ingrained negative self-beliefs. By growing the capacity for negative feelings, experiencing them, tolerating them, understanding them, the addicted person finds they no longer need to enter into the addictive cycle.

Establishing Self-Trust

Both the shame and the acting out are the result of a lack of self-trust. On one level, many addicted persons do not believe they are able to take care of themselves without the acting out behavior. Likewise the shame is there as a blunt instrument, trying to take back control of the acting out chaos. Ending the cycle looks like creating enough sobriety that the person’s internal system begins to trust again. It sends a message into that cycle that the emotional, relational, and spiritual needs will be met in time without entering into shame or acting out.

Healing Past Wounds

The most powerful step in the recovery process is when the person returns to past wounds and seeks to process them from a new, healthy perspective. This step comes later, after a significant amount of sobriety is established. Still, it is necessary because only when these past wounds are healed can real recovery take place. Only when we accept all parts of our story, the good and the bad, can we truly move forward into a new way of living.

The First Step

But none of this is possible unless you first reach out. Acknowledging that you need that loving consultation is a huge step that takes a significant amount of courage and humility. The first step is difficult, but we are here to celebrate you when you take it, even as we encourage you to move even further into your journey of recovery. If anything written here resonates, contact us today. We are here to help.

*Written by Eric Fesmire