Surfing the Urge

The following post first appeared on the personal website of one of our therapists, Dr. William Bixler. See other posts by Dr. Bixler here

One of the great challenges for a recovering sex addict is learning how to handle sexual urges/cravings successfully. A typical approach entails trying to fight them off, subduing them through sheer will power. In 12 Step parlance this is known as “white knuckling.” While it may be effective for some, most of the time it ends in succumbing to the urge. The reason for this is simple. Research has consistently shown that attempting to suppress a thought, feeling, or sensation actually increases its power.

Urge surfing is a technique derived from mindfulness meditation practices that has been found to be very helpful in dealing with sexual urges. This metaphorical term can be used because urges are like ocean waves, they get stronger and crest and then dissipate when they reach the shore. Sexual urges generally last no longer than 30 minutes unless they are fed by focusing on them, fantasizing, or telling yourself you must give into the them.

Urge surfing advocates the opposite of fighting the urge. The goal is not to eliminate the urge, but to develop the capacity to no longer give in to it. Instead of fighting it, pay attention to the urge, notice what if feels like, and refrain from passing judgment on it, e.g., “This is terrible,” “I can’t stand this,”, “This will never end.”

Focus on where you are experiencing the urge. Assess where in your body you are feeling the sensations. Are muscles tensing, is the tension in your chest, etc.? Pay attention to and describe the changes that occur in the sensations. Notice how the urge comes and goes. After a few minutes of being attentive to the urge (without fighting it), you will likely find it goes away.

It is important to remember that the goal of this exercise is not to eliminate the urge, but to experience it in a new way. As you practice urge surfing, you’ll find you can learn to ride it out until it dissipates. As a result, you’ll gain confidence that you do NOT have to surrender to the urge.

The above is an abbreviated description of urge surfing. You can find more complete versions on the Internet–simply Google “Urge Surfing.” The instructions on each website might vary in small details, but the basic approach will be identical for all of them.

As John Kabat-Zinn, a well known mindfulness advocate reminds us, “You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.”

~Dr. Bixler